


Peter, no!

by spooderson



Category: Doctor Strange (2016), Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies), Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017), The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Fluff, Fluff and Humor, Gen, Good Friend Ned Leeds, I Blame Tumblr, Ned Leeds is a Good Bro, Not Beta Read, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Parent Stephen Strange, Parent Tony Stark, Peter Parker is a Little Shit, Pop Culture, Precious Peter Parker, Sassy Peter Parker, Tags May Change, Tony Stark Acting as Peter Parker's Parental Figure, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Tony Stark/Stephen Strange parenting Peter Parker | Supremefamily | Strange Family, i won't kill may in this one tho, it's basically prompts that I thought would be fun to write, tony stark needs a break
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-16
Updated: 2019-08-16
Packaged: 2020-03-06 13:19:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,715
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18851878
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spooderson/pseuds/spooderson
Summary: I found this tumblr post a while ago about things that Peter isn't alloved to do and I really wanted to write some of them.Chapter one: stuff Dum-e with confettiChapter two: swing from chandeliersChapter three: add protocols to the AIChapter four: do it for the science





	1. Confetti

**Author's Note:**

> hey, feel free to call me out if you find any mistakes in here. also, I hope you like the fic? I think it'll have 5 or 6 chapters, but I'm not sure. It may change.

Peter was sure it was going to happen sometime soon. One of them had to realize that they were absolute idiots in love and ask the other one out. Stephen and Mr. Stark had been flirting with each other for more than half a year now, always getting flustered, when someone would bring the other one up while chatting. However, whenever someone would suggest asking the other one out, they would deny liking them and quickly walk out of the room.

This belief that they’d start dating sometime soon was why Peter was currently sneaking through the Tower with two giant bags of confetti, stuffing it into any possible crevice, from which it could be shot at them, when they inevitably confessed their feelings for each other. He had already covered the living room and kitchen and was debating if it was worth the trouble to sneak into Tony’s room and hide confetti there. He went and hid the confetti in the library, gym as he slowly made his way to Mr. Stark’s private lab.

In the lab he stopped dead when he saw the bots. His original plan was to just stuff confetti into the Iron man suits, but now he thought that maybe the bots could also be used for that.

“Hey, Dum-e, how would you feel to help me cause some mischief? It’s nothing too bad, I promise, just some lighthearted fun.” Started Peter.

At his words Dum- e whirred to face him, questioningly cocking it’s claw to the side.

“All you have to do is not tell Mr. Stark what I’m doing and let me stuff you with glitter. That’s all I’m asking. Pretty please?”

Dum-e seemed to make an ok gesture and moved closer to Peter, who got to work on securing the confetti on Dum-e.

“So, this is what you’re gonna do, Dum-e. You’ve seen how Mr. Stark and Stephen look at each other, right? Well, I believe that they’re bound to start dating soon. I mean, how long can you actually look at each other like that and not do anything, right? Also, me and Wong teamed up to get them dating? You know the guy who’s always with Strange, the wizard friend of his? The one with the weird fondness for sandwiches?? I mean, sandwiches are great, but not that good. Anyway, so we’ve been working together to get them to date, and so I thought that it’d be fun to throw confetti on them when they finally confess? Your job will be to shoot the glitter on them if they do it in the lab. Got it?”  
Dum-e used it’s claw to nip at the science t-shirt as if to say “ok, I get it, go on” and Peter started to ramble once again:

“I asked Friday to record and send me the video of that. You know how Mr. Stark and Pepper approved of me having the SI intern account? I plan to post the video on there. It should be hilarious, don’t you think, both of them flustered and happy, and then the glitter all around them??-”  
“Baby spider, Boss is approaching the door, if I could, I’d suggest hiding the glitter in the next two minutes” interrupted Fridays’ Irish accent.

“Uh oh, think Peter. Ahhh” Peter was frantically looking around trying to find someplace to hide the glitter” My backpack!!!” Peter shouted and scrambled to throw out the school textbooks and show the confetti bags into it.

Just as Peter finished fighting with the zipper Mr. Stark strolled into the lab wearing one of hi immaculate suits. He looked a little surprised to see him here, but quickly his eyes started to shine in excitement.

“What are you doing here? Friday didn’t tell me you’re here. And it’s not one of our scheduled lab days, is it?” After Peter quickly shook his head Mr. Stark continued “Well then, does baby spider need any help with his homework? Or we can work on some of the SI stuff? I have some new products launching soon, but I think we could improve them a little more.”

“Uh, actually, could you help me with physics? It’s nothing too hard, I just got a little confused with all the equations and now can’t find the mistake.”

“Sure, kid, I’ll help you. Give me the paper.”

After Peter gave him the paper with the homework Tony immediately spotted the problem and within 5 minutes they were done.  
“Uh, look at the time, Mr. Stark. I have to go, May will kill me if I’m late to dinner again. It was fun to see you, bye Mr. Stark, bye Dum-e!” Peter tried to gather all the books and papers from where he had thrown them when he was hiding the confetti.

“Pete, why aren’t you putting the books into the backpack? I’m sure that it’d be easier to carry all of that in there?”

“Uhhhm, the zipper is broken. Yeah, I can’t unzip it for the death of me. But it’s fine, I’m sure that once I get home, I’ll manage to fix it. There’s no need for a new backpack Mr. Stark, really. Bye once again!” Peter almost ran to the elevator.

Once Peter left, Tony just sighed and went to work on the new Stark phone. If Pete wanted, he’d tell him what’s got him acting so weird. The kid had gotten better about not telling anyone about his problems and if he was still acting this weird next week, he’d just put his extraordinary detective skills to use to figure out why Petey’s acting so weird.

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It had been four days since Peter had hidden confetti in any possible crevice at the tower, he’d event went as far as hiding glitter in his own room. And today was Saturday, which meant that all of the Stark family and friends were going to be at the Tower for the weekly family dinner. He stayed at the Tower through the weekends, so he was already there, but May and Stephen were going to be here in about an hour. Which is why Tony was walking around the penthouse asking him, Pepper and Rhodey which T-shirt looked best on him with those jeans and maybe he should just wear a suit. Peter and Rhodey were barely containing their laughter and after glaring at them one more time, Tony took Pepper with him to help him decide. Leaving them to sit alone in the living room because in his words “they were heathens who couldn’t be trusted”.

Just as Tony and Pepper walked back into the living room, the elevator doors dinged open and Stephen Strange along with May and Happy stepped out. Tony gave Peter and Rhodey one last dirty look and went to greet the guests. Peter also leaped off the couch and ran to give May and Stephen a hug.

Stephen and Tony were standing in the hallway, both staring each other down, but after they saw Peter coming towards them to say hello to Stephen, they quickly snapped out of it and turned their attention on other people. Peter just sighed at their stupidity and hugged the wizard, even though Stephen didn’t really like hugs, he had said to Peter that he doesn’t mind if it’s from people close to him.

They all ate dinner – which, as almost always, was just Italian takeaway, because Tony and Peter were terrible cooks and everyone else was busy working. Then they moved over to the TV for movie night. Peter sat on one couch with Tony, whose shoulder he was currently leaning on, and Stephen had taken up the place next to Tony. May and Happy were sitting together on the other sofa, and Peter had to admit, even though it was still very weird to see them dating, they were both very happy together and so he’d put up with the weirdness of it. Rhodey and Pepper had situated themselves on the last sofa, softly exchanging their remarks about the movie every now and then.

Halfway through the second movie, Peter was fast asleep, drooling on Tony’s shoulder, so Tony decided to carry Peter to bed, but then he didn’t come back to the living room, opting to instead go work in the lab. After about thirty minutes of sitting at his desk and thinking about Stephen he heard a soft knock on the door. He looked up, expecting to see either Pep or Rhodey, but was surprised to see Stephen there, trying to open the door.

“Fri, let him in.” 

“You didn’t come back to finish watching the movie.”

“Yes, decided to work in the lab, productively spend my time and all that jazz.”

“Then where’s your work? It looks like you just came here to sit alone”

“Maybe I did.”

“Ahmm. I was planning on going back to the Sanctum, it’s getting late. But before I go, I wanted to ask you something.”

“Go on”

“I was meaning to ask, if you’d like to go to the new science exhibition at the New York Hall of Science museum? There’s this new exhibit about ecology and sustainability that I find very interesting.”

“It sounds like you’re asking me out on a date, are you?” asked Tony jokingly, while trying to mask all of his emotions, of course he’s not asking him on a date, right? That would require him to like Tony, and he doesn’t. Not in the way Tony likes him.

“I am. If that’s okay with you. Of course, if you want, we can just go as friends, whatever – “he didn’t get to finish as Tony stood up and crashed into him to hug him.

“It’s a deal. I want it to be a date.”

And that’s when they heard something go off and when they opened their eyes, both of them along with the whole lab were covered in confetti and glitter. Dum-e was standing in front of them, holding the empty confetti container and looking rather pleased with itself.

“Ok, who made you do this? It was Peter, wasn’t it? Don’t lie to me, I’ll sell you to a kindergarten” questioned Tony, while trying to get rid of some of the glitter and confetti stuck on his clothes.  
Dum-e just whirred apologetically and went back to the other bots at the other side of the lab. Tony turned around to start apologizing to Stephen about this, but Stephen beat him to it and said that it’s fine and then took out the stray piece of glitter that was stuck in Tony’s hair.

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Next morning, Peter was sitting on a stool eating his fifth bowl of cereal, when Tony walked into the kitchen. 

“Why, pray tell, is there a video of me and Stephen getting covered in glitter, on your SI intern Instagram??”  
Peter smiled maniacally “Me and Wong have been trying to get you two together for about half a year now. I thought that it’d be fun to do something special for you both.”

“And you couldn’t think of anything else special? You had to cover us in glitter from head to toe? You know what, don’t answer that. How did you even know that he was gonna ask me out in the lab??”  
“I didn’t,” shrugged Pete “so I put glitter all over the Tower”

“You what??!”

“Um, yeah. I even went as far as putting it in my own room.”

“You’re going to go clean all of that up, and if you ever, and I mean ever, give Dum-e glitter again, I’ll ban you from the lab.”

“You wouldn’t dare. You love me wayy too much. Anyway, May needs me home, so I think I’ll just go home after taking a shower. But congratulations on your date, Mr. Stark!” Peter stood up from the barstool and after putting his bowl in the sink left the room.  
“Pete, wait, no-!”


	2. Chandelier

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter get's the marvelous idea to swing from a chandelier, like in Sia's "Chandelier". Chaos ensues.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I said that I'd update after two weeks, yet here I am, almost a month after... Sorry for that, but as I have my last exam on Friday, I think I'll actually be able to stick to the schedule. Talking about why I haven't updated this story sooner, on June 1st I had my lithuanian national exam, and I spent the time from then to cry about it, since that was the worst thing I had ever written...
> 
> Anyways, hope you enjoy this chapter!

After Tony and Stephen started dating, a few months after their first date, Peter became an even more frequent guest at the New York Sanctum. Before, he only went there if he needed a quiet place or to hear some unbiased logical solutions to his problems – May would always tell him not to worry and that everything would turn out fine, and Tony’s solution 9 times out of 10 was to march in with his Iron man armor and threaten whatever was causing a problem or he’d tell Peter that he’ll handle it. Stephen didn’t do any of that and instead would offer him some herbal tea and listen to his problems, providing him his insights into the problem and what may be the next logical step. Peter still went to the Sanctum for advice, but more often than not, he went there to just hang out with Stephen, pester him about his and Tony’s last date, just do his homework or to have dinner together.

Peter liked the Sanctum, and not only because of its’ residents. Stephen had become kind of like a father figure to him – with Tony being the first and the legal one. And Wong, even though he insisted that he doesn’t like Peter, he’d always stop to talk to him and sometimes they’d bicker about various films and new music for hours until Stephen would stroll in and Wong would then mutter something about “the kid annoying him to death” and leave. No, Peter liked the Sanctum because of its’ cozy interior too. It had a lot of plush sofas, rugs, a hammock in the back, and it was full of books – the bookshelves were everywhere – the living room, kitchen, corridors, in the bedrooms... And the chandeliers -- there were three of them in total – one in the hall, one in the living room and one in the dinning room. Peter was obsessed with them, with the way the light would shine and reflect on every single crystal that was on the chandelier.

It was only logical, that one day he had to remember the song “Chandelier” and of course, try to reenact it. How could he not, when his spider powers made it so easy to reach it -- all he had to do to reach the chandelier was to walk up the wall and on the celling. Also, he thought it’d be fun to film it. Maybe, if he wore the spider-man suit he would post it on his SI account – write something about spidey being the most dramatic person he ever met.

That’s why he spent the better part of his Monday evening sitting on a rooftop somewhere in Queens and writing everything needed to make the chandelier swinging happen. So far, he had concluded that in order for this to happen, the Sanctum had to be empty for at least an hour. He would have to sneak in, set up the camera, most likely change into his spider-man suit there as people usually stared at him when he was swinging by and would wonder why he was in that building, and neither Tony nor Stephen could know he did this. At least not until he was at home with May and had already posted the video.

After crafting his ‘genius plan’ he went to the Sanctum, to snoop around and try to learn when the Sanctum would be empty. He met Wong on his way in, but the man looked like he was in a hurry, so they only exchanged hellos and went their own separate ways. Peter found Stephen meditating in the room with the relics. He tried to quietly sit down on the sofa near the door, but Stephen stopped him by standing up and turning to face him.

“Why are you here? You don’t usually come here on Tuesday’s. Is everything alright?”

“No no no, everything’s fine. I was just in the neighborhood and decided to stop by. Met Wong on the way in, he looked like he was going to the gym or something, had this huge duffel bag... Wait, he’s not moving out of here, is he?” 

“He has his yoga class on Tuesdays. So, everything is really okay? No secret injuries or anything?”

“I already told you, I’m fine. Just wanted to visit you. Check up on how you’re doing. If you have left the house this week,” defended Peter.

“I didn’t, but I’m going on a date with Tony tomorrow. I know this beautiful meadow in Italy, decided to take Tony on a picnic there.”

“You’re going to portal to Italy? That’s so cool. Maybe you could teach me how to do it?? Think about it, I wouldn’t be late to school then-”

“You wouldn’t be late to school if you got out of bed on time too.”

“Maybe” muttered Peter” so no one’s gonna be at the Sanctum tomorrow?”

“Wong will be here for the most part, and I’m leaving around noon and probably won’t be back until after midnight. But you’re free to hang out here, if May’s fine with that.”

“Sounds good. Do you have any food? I’m starving.”

“Of course you are... Come” with that the Sorcerer Supreme led the spiderling down to the kitchen.

That’s how Wong found them when he came back a few hours later – Stephen and Peter were sitting at the island in the kitchen, laughing about something Tony did while working in the lab. Wong, pretending that it was torturous to have to listen to them talk, joined them and they spent the rest of the evening sharing embarrassing stories about people they all knew. 

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On Wednesday, Peter told Ned about his plan while they were sitting in chemistry. He planned to sneak in to the Sanctum at about 7pm – he had learned that Wong will be out shopping and with Stephen gone on a date the Sanctum was free real estate, as far as he was concerned. At first, Ned thought him mad, talking about how the Chandelier could fall and crush him, then he started talking about how mad Tony and Stephen will be when they find out, and how they’ll ground him for life. Both, literally and figuratively. Peter, however, didn’t give up, saying that it was going to be fine, and if Ned didn’t want to help that’s fine, but Peter’s going to do this regardless. Ned decided to join him after that became clear, someone had to watch over Peter, to make sure that he didn’t do anything too stupid.

Now, they had just saw Wong leave the Sanctum and after unlocking the door, stepped in and threw their backpacks down.

“Ok man, so is this the chandelier you plan on swinging on?” asked Ned, turning around in a circle, face looking up at the ceiling.

“I was actually thinking to do it in the living room? The chandelier there is my favorite.”

“Oh, ok, is it even more majestic than this one?”

“See for yourself” stated Peter and started to walk to the living room.

The chandelier there was huge. It had five tiers and was made of clear crystals with gold accents. The light would catch in the crystals and then break and reflect everywhere in the room – the ceiling, tv, walls... They stood admiring the chandelier for a few minutes and then started to set up the camera equipment. After they were done, Peter put on the spider suit and it was time to climb up to the chandelier.

“Start recording now,” with that Peter took ahold of the chandelier and gently crouched down on it, trying not to get stuck in the crystals. After he got a little more comfortable, he sat down and started to gently sway the chandelier.

“It won’t fit the music. The swaying needs to be more intense, Peter.”

“Ok ok. Let’s hope it doesn’t fall... I mean, I heard that chandeliers don’t fall during earthquakes, so this should be fine, right? Tell me when the swaying is right.” Peter started to rock the chandelier much more forcefully then.

That was his downfall. 

First, he heard a soft crack and his spidey sense flared up, then the next thing he knew, he was falling through air while still holding on to the chandelier, Ned was screaming for him to be careful and there was a hole in the ceiling.

Then, a portal opened and an angry Stephen and a very worried Tony stepped through. For a minute they just stood there, looking at the mess and the camera equipment. Then, Tony rushed to his kid, asking him over and over again if he was hurt. Meanwhile, Stephen just sighed, rubbed his temples and turned to Ned.

“Care to explain what you two were doing here? And why my chandelier is on the floor?”

“Um, we thought it would be a good idea to shoot a video for the SI intern Instagram, sir, Sorcerer Supreme, Mr. Stephen- “Ned started to talk, recovering from the fact that Iron man and the Sorcerer Supreme were in the same room as him.

“Ted, you should stop talking now and go home. We’ll call you.” Interrupted Tony, throwing worried glances at Peter.

“He’s not responsible for this Mr. Stark. I decided that It’d be fun to swing from the chandelier like in the song. You know, Sia’s “Chandelier”? I’m the one to blame.”

“You mean to tell us, that you destroyed Stephen’s living room because of a pop song?”

“Umm, yeah... I’m very sorry, Mr. Stark, Stephen... I didn’t mean for the chandelier to fall and I really didn’t want to interrupt your date.”

“It’s fine” said Tony and then both him and Stephen sighed again” just don’t ever try to do anything with chandeliers ever again, okay? And also, I think this requires a proper punishment. How about I get the video of all of this and you lose lab privileges for a month?”

“What’re you going to do with the video? You’re not going to post it, are you?” asked Peter timidly.

“I don’t know yet. I guess I’ll decide when I watch it”

“How about I get the video as payment for the chandelier that he broke?” Stephen joined the conversation.

Peters eyes widened comically after hearing Stephens suggestion, but then he started nodding, because between Stephen and Tony, Stephen was the one less likely to post it. He’d probably just keep it as blackmail to bring out when he wants to make Peter eat broccoli or something.

But boy, oh boy how wrong he was. The next morning, he woke up to find spider-man trending on twitter, and when he opened the hashtag, he found memes of himself, falling from the chandelier... Stephen had uploaded the video to his official avenger account... And right under the original post was a reply from one Tony Stark, who had simply written “we started making a list” with a picture of a paper stuck up on the fridge, with the words “things Spider-man isn’t allowed to do”. So far, the list only consisted of two things: Peter wasn’t allowed to give Dum-e any glitter or confetti and he wasn’t allowed to swing from or on the chandelier. Below his tweet were hundreds of replies speculating on the origin of the first rule and about the reasons Spider-man had done this stuff. There were also quite a few people freaking out about how adorable it was that Tony had a list about Spider-man on his fridge.  
 


	3. Spider protocols

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter is sick of Mr. Starks protocols about him. So the only way to retaliate is to make his own protocols regarding Mr. Stark. Drama ensues.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm only two days late. Also, the chapter was harder to write than the previous ones. I hope you like it!!!

It was truly Mr. Stark’s and not Peters’ fault that he was up at 3 am long after everyone had gone to sleep, trying to reprogram Friday. It wouldn’t have happened if not for Mr. Stark’s stupid protocols. There were ones that alerted Mr. Stark if he put on the spider suit after 10pm, there were the ones that called him if he was injured and ones that told him when Peter last ate. Then there was the whole protocol about how Friday can and cannot call him around other people.

That one was the one Peter was currently trying to change, and maybe add a few new ones. He had grown rather tired of being called Spider baby and its’ variations by Friday around people (mostly Rhodey, Ned and Pepper). So, he had spent the afternoon at Ned’s, Ned helping him to preprogram the protocol so that he’d only need to import it and change the existing one. He had also programmed some meme protocols for fun, like making Friday play “Mad world” whenever something dramatic would happen. And the one that would make Friday call Mr. Stark “Mr. Stank” – courtesy of the story Rhodey had told Peter one afternoon after Tony had left them to go to a meeting.

“Friday, what is Mr. Stark currently doing” asked Peter to check if his programming had worked.

“Mr. Stank is currently asleep in his bedroom. Would you like me to wake him for you, Peter?”

Peter smiled mischievously “Nope, let him sleep.”

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

Next morning, Peter was the first to get up or at least the first to get up from the people who lived in the Tower. When he walked into the kitchen, he found Stephen, drinking coffee and making breakfast.

“Hey, Stephen. Whatcha doing here?”

“Hey, kid. Since it’s the weekend and I have nothing better to do, I thought I’d hang out with you two. Want breakfast?

“Oh” was all Peter said to that, then “Yes, thank you” as Stephen set the plate filled with pancakes in front of him.

“Friday, is Tony still asleep?”

“Mr. Stank is still asleep, sir. Would you like me to wake him?”

Peter stilled, waiting for Stephens reaction, but apparently Stephen either hadn’t noticed that Friday called Tony “Mr. Stank” or he didn’t show it. Stephen stood up, telling Friday that he’ll wake him and walked out towards Tony’s bedroom.

Peter was left nervously waiting for them to get back, not knowing if he was going to be yelled at for messing with Friday or not. Mr. Stark wasn’t even supposed to find out about Friday calling him “Mr. Stank” as he had made sure that the AI would only call him that when he wasn’t present, so the only way for him to find out would be if someone snitched on it. And Stephen, aka Mr. Stark’s boyfriend, was a person that could potentially snitch to him.

Peter’s thoughts were interrupted by Mr. Stark’s and Stephen’s voices, arguing about whether a snake has a tail or if it’s just one very long body. Mr. Stark was saying that a snake has just a very long body and no tail and Stephen was trying to persuade Tony that a snake does, in fact, have a tail.

“Where does the tail start then, huh, Stephen??!”

“Kid, back me up here, snakes have tails, I’m right?”

“Ummmmm” Peter choked down his last pancake” I don’t feel comfortable answering this question. Please, don’t involve me in this.”

“See, Petey here agrees that it’s one long body and no tails!”

“He didn’t say anything of that kind!”

“Hey!! I don’t think that the snake doesn’t have a tail, but then again, I don’t have any idea where the tail would even start if the snake had it, so please, can we just have breakfast? I want more pancakes.” Peter stated while staring at his empty plate.

“Fine, even though you didn’t say it I know that you agree with me” Tony smirked at him while getting himself a cup of coffee.

“I do not agree with either of you!”

“Tony, don’t rile the spider baby up this early in the morning”

“You’re right, it’s better to do it after lunch”

“No!”

“Do as you please, dad, but know, that I’m going to spend the weekend at May’s, she has the weekend all free”

“Oh, giving your old man the place all for himself” Tony wiggled his eyebrows at Peter.

“Gross!” screeched Peter and ran to his room to gather a few things to take to May’s.

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“Hey, May!” shouted Peter just after walking through the door to his and May’s apartment.

May, who had been sitting on the couch in the living room watching some show in Netflix quickly turned and then stood up opening her arms for a hug. Peter set down his backpack by the door and ran to hug her.

“I missed you” murmured Peter, while tightly hugging his aunt.

“We saw each other on Wednesday” laughed May, but squeezed Peter a little tighter.

“So what, I’m not allowed to miss my favorite aunt?” jokingly asked Peter

“I thought that Pepper was your favorite!” May happily bickered back.

“That’s what they all think...” Peter mischievously smiled and then dismantled from the hug.

“Okay then... Any new shenanigans you’d like to tell me about?”

“I’ll only tell you if you promise not to snitch on me.” Said Peter.

“Okay. I can keep a secret way better than some people” May pointedly looked at Peter as she said that.

Peter just laughed and then told her all about the new protocols he added to Friday. May ended up laughing just thinking about it and decided, that when she dropped Peter back at the Tower tomorrow evening, she would have to go and see for herself these new protocols in action.

After that, they spent the remainder of the weekend playing board games and watching Netflix while eating takeout.

Soon it was Sunday evening and time for them to head to the Tower, Peter packed up all his homework and together they made their way to May’s car. Happy had offered to drive them, but Peter had silently pleaded for May to just drive them, because “he cannot deal with the flirting for half an hour while trapped in a car”.

After arriving at the Tower, they parked in the underground garage and went up to the penthouse, where everyone was. The doors weren’t even fully open when “Mad World” and screaming reached their ears. The sound seemed to be coming from the living room so that’s where they went and upon walking into the area were greeted with one of the weirdest sights ever: Tony was kneeling on the ground, his face in his hands, fake sobbing about how unfair life was. Next to him on the rug lay one wireless earbud and the case, with the other earbud nowhere to be seen. Rhodey and Happy were quietly sitting on the sofa, staring at Mr. Stark having the breakdown and Stephen with Pepper were in the kitchen making lasagna and completely ignoring the scene in the living room.

“Uhm, Mr. Stark??” quietly started Peter “what’s wrong?”

“This goddamn song has been playing for thirty, and when I say thirty, I mean THIRTY minutes!” Mr. Stark fake shouted from where he was still on the floor “And Friday won’t turn it off!”

“Oh” then, “What’s with the earbuds?”

“I lost one, ever since Saturday, Friday has been playing this song at random and I couldn’t get her to stop so I started walking around with the earbuds but now I lost it! However shall I live now, that thou is gone??!” Mr. Stark continued to dramatically tell his story.

“We all know that you could just go and reprogram this part of the coding in Friday if it truly annoyed you this much” interrupted Rhodey.

“But why would I do that. What’s to say that it even is in the coding, honey bear? Maybe Friday has evolved to doing this on her own? Because if not, then someone would’ve had to mess with Friday’s programming.” Answered Mr. Stark and went right back to fake sobbing about unfairness of it all.

After hearing all of this, Peter started to feel incredibly guilty and after looking at May, who was barely suppressing her laughter he opened his mouth to confess, when Stephen shouted:

“It wasn’t supposed to turn out like this!” after these words “Mad world” started all over again and everyone except Peter and May groaned.

“That’s it, Tones. If YOU won’t do anything about this, then I will” said Rhodey and made to get up but was stopped by Tony abruptly getting up and making a stop motion at him.

“I think that whoever added this protocol to the AI should be the one to undo this” said Tony while staring at Peter.

“Why – why are you lo - oking at me?” asked Peter.

“Well, this definitely looks like something a teen would do and you are the only teen who could potentially get to Friday’s coding to change it...”

“I don’t, I’m not that good at coding...” Peter tried to get out of trouble.

“Ooof, if you admit that it was you I will help you remove the protocol and won’t ban you from the lab” Tony cut in.

Peter looked at May for backup, but upon receiving none turned back to Tony “Fine, fine, it was me. I just wanted to have some fun and retaliate for your absurd protocols concerning me...”

“Understandable, now let’s go. We don’t want to have to eat cold lasagna now, don’t we?” smirked Tony and led Peter into the elevator to go to the lab.

Once there, Tony quickly got into Friday’s programming and gave Peter the reigns in fixing the coding back into the way it was before.

“Can I at least leave one of my protocols? Please, me and Ned spent so much time on them”

“Depends, if the protocol has any music, delete it forever.” Answered Tony while looking over Peter’s shoulder to make sure that Peter doesn’t ruin Friday’s programming.

“It doesn’t. See?”

Tony looked closer and when he saw what the protocol was started laughing.

“So that’s the protocol you wanna keep? Fine by me, but only if it doesn’t call me ‘Mr. Stank” while I’m in a meeting, kid.”

“It won’t. Look, I made sure that Friday calls you that only when you’re not in the room.” Explained Peter.

“Fine, but you’ll have to extend the not calling me that to the floors 1-73. And also I get back the one concerning how Friday calls you.”

“Ugh, you’re no fun... fine, fine, I’ll guess it’s better than nothing...” sighed Peter.

“It sure is, Petey” smiled Mr. Stark and took over the coding.

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

That evening the world got to see another tweet from Iron Man, it was a photo of a list that was put on the fridge that was titled “Things Spider-man isn’t allowed to do” and in the list was a new rule that read “No protocol adding to the AIs”

When Peter saw the tweet later on when he was lying in bed, he replied with “Spidey told me to tell you that he thinks this is very unfair” to which Tony and Stephen both replied with “ Go to sleep!”.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for getting through the chapter!!  
> Comments and kudos would be highly appreciated ( they make me smile so much that people actually start asking me whose texting me)  
> See you again in about two weeks with a new chapter???


	4. Do it for the science

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter gets Tony to help him bake a cake, things go awry, but in the end, a cake is made.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here I am, a month late, but better late than never, am I right? (seriously tho, sorry that I disappeared, I'm moving to another country to start uni in a month and I had to get a lot of documents translated, legalized and stuff... I'm also in the middle of searching for an apartment/room to rent, so that's been taking over all my time recently)  
> Anyway, here's a new chapter and I think I'll post a new one sometime in the beginning of September.  
> Enjoy!

The thing is, Peter was an awful cook, he said he got it from May, but they weren’t even blood related, so that wasn’t true. He would’ve said that he got it from Tony, but they weren’t blood related too and as it turned out, Tony wasn’t a bad cook. He was great, actually. Tony said that he used to cook with his mother when he was little. It made Peter wonder if he had stopped cooking when his parents died because it would remind him of his mother and the pain was simply too much to bear for him. Anyway, Peter had thought that maybe he would agree to cook with him – maybe that would help create some new good memories and Tony would stop eating just take out and actually cook dinner once in a while. Although the way Peter planned to bring Tony Stark back into the kitchen was questionable.

See, Peter had spent most of his afternoon watching youtube videos and he stumbled upon a certain category of “bad makeup/food science” where the person was baking a cake and putting lipstick into it. Now, he wouldn’t have been Peter if he hadn’t immediately wanted to recreate it. Not with lipsticks of course, but with the webs.

That’s why the next time he saw Mr. Stark (which was on Tuesday after school, because even when he wasn’t living in the tower for the week, he still went to the internship twice a week) he anxiously twisted the screwdriver in his hands until Mr. Stark took notice and put his own equipment down so he could hone in all of his attention to Peter.

“You ok there, kid?”

“What, no, - I mean, yeah. I’m fine.”

“Truly? Because to me, you look anxious. So come on, spill the tea. Or whatever you kids say there days.”

“Tony Stark using modern slang wasn’t something I ever thought I’d hear with my own ears... Please, please, just stick to grown up talk.”

“Maybe I will, if you tell me what’s making you so anxious.”

“Ugh, fine... Here it goes: CanIpleaseuseyourkitchenMrStark???”

“I’m sorry, what? You were anxious about asking me if you can cook in the kitchen?? Pete, you live here about half of the year, of course you can use the kitchen. You can also buy whatever ingredients you need, just tell FRIDAY.”

“Really??”

“Yeah, kiddo. It’s your house too.”

“Oh, okay. Thank you, Mr. Stark. Also, if it isn’t too much, could you maybe help me? I want to recreate this cake that I saw this one lady make on youtube, and I thought that Spider-man could try and make a video of recreating that. I think people would like it.”

“So what, you want Spider-man to start a youtube channel now?”

“Nope, I’m gonna upload it on Instagram. Will you help me?”

“Sure, seeing as the last time you did something like this you ended up trashing Stephen’s living room.”

“I already apologized about it, Mr. Stark, get over it.”

“Fine” Mr. Stark said exasperatedly “but only cause I love you.”

“Love you too.”

This is how the plan was set in motion. Mr. Stark had agreed to help him make the cake and also help film the process, but Peter still didn’t tell him the whole truth – he kept quiet about the fact that the cake was going to have his own spider-webs in it. Peter had an inkling, that if Mr. Stark learned about it, he would shut down this idea very quickly and he wouldn’t get to make any kind of cake. But if he learned about it in the process of making one, even if he wasn’t allowed to put webs in, they would still make some kind of cake. Which was better than none. And also, if Mr. Stark helped, maybe the cake wouldn’t turn out as disastrous as it probably would be if only Peter and his Parker cooking skills were involved. 

˗ ˗ ˗ ˗ ˗ ˗ ˗ ˗ ˗ ˗ ˗ ˗ ˗ ˗ ˗ ˗ ˗ ˗ ˗ ˗ ˗ ˗ ˗ ˗ ˗ ˗ ˗ ˗ ˗ ˗ ˗ ˗ ˗ ˗ ˗ ˗ ˗ ˗ ˗ ˗ ˗ ˗ ˗ 

It was Thursday – the day that spiderweb cake was supposed to be brought into this plane of excruciating existence. 

Peter had just arrived at the tower for his internship, which, at least today, consisted of baking one (1) spiderweb cake and filming the whole ordeal with Mr. Starks’ help. Firstly, they started by setting up the filming equipment – all the ring lights were placed and turned on, then the camera and the monitor were turned on and it was time for Peter to change into his spider-man suit.

After he changed, he came back to the kitchen, where Mr. Stark was sitting on a stool and flipping through a cookbook. When Peter came in, he stood up and turned the pages back to the correct ones. They both put on aprons and turned to face the camera:

“Hello, everyone. Today me and Mr. Stark who’s also known as Iron Man will attempt to bake a cake, and it’s going to involve a twist.” With that Peter turned to look at Tony, who arched one brow at him and then turned him back to the camera.” Let’s get started then”

They put in all the wet ingredients and mixed, and then combined that with the dry ones. And to Peter’s absolute shock, the cake batter looked like it might actually turn into a good cake, he was even a little regretful that he had decided to probably ruin the cake with putting spiderwebs in it. But it was too late. He had decided to film it and he doubted that people would just want to watch Tony Stark and Spiderman bake a regular yellow cake.

“Okay, now for the twist...”

“What’s the twist, underoos?” asked Tony and turned back to stare at the camera” he didn’t even tell me what the twist is. He just said I’ll see. Which, now that I’m thinking of it, is probably dangerous and will burn down my kitchen. I should take the cake batter away from you.”

“Relax, I don’t think anything bad or dangerous will happen. I mean, all we’re doing is putting some of my webfluid in the cake batter.”

“I’m sorry. We’re doing what!” 

“Yes, the webs. You know, like funfetti, but it’s webs.” Peter said exasperatedly.

“Don’t you think that they’re not meant to be eaten??”

“I know that. But I saw this video where a girl was putting lipstick in a cake, and there’s also one where another girl baked nail polish into a cake and they both lived. So, truly, I don’t think that we’ll die if we eat some webfluid, ya know?”  
“No, you’re going to be the only one eating the cake.”

“But don’t you want to know how baked webfluid tastes, Mr. Stark??? Anyways, were doing it for science, by baking the cake we’ll get to examine the effect it takes if a human eats it and it’s durability in heat.”

Mr. Stark once again looked at the camera and sighed. Then, he made a go ahead motion with his hands and sat down on the kitchen island where they were filming.

The spiderman mask looked at Mr. Stark for a few more seconds and then it looked like Peter was smiling behind the mask with his eyes opened as wide as possible.  
“Let’s get going then! He took one cartridge out from a drawer and poured it into the cake while explaining that the cartridge contained a liquid mass that turned into the spider-man’s webbing when exposed to air and the other liquid that was in a different cartridge and that they were going to add that next.

After that was done, Peter with the help of Mr. Stark put the batter into three cake pans, and even though the batter looked okay, the amount of cake batter wasn’t at all even in the tree pans – one pan was one blob away from overflowing, one looked okay and the other one looked like it had way too little.

Regardless, Spider-man and Mr. Stark put the empty bowl away and put the three pans into the oven.

Thirty minutes later, everything went south – the cake had expanded and dripped down in the oven – and the batter on the bottom of the oven was burning with open fire.

The video showed Mr. Stark and Spider-man tripping over each other, trying to take the pans out and put out the fire that had started. Then the video cut to Mr. Stark and Spider-man sitting at the dinning table, the three pans of cake in front of them along with a bowl of funfetti, frosting and two rolled out pieces of fondant- one black and one white and cut out to look like spiderwebs.

“So, were back,” said Spider-man” and now it’s time to assemble the cake and decorate it!”

“Can’t wait for this all to be over and to never let you into the kitchen again” murmured Mr. Stark.

Then the video cut again to Mr. Stark and Peter ending to frost the cake.  
“Time to put on the fondant! And then we can eat it” said Peter and picked up the black fondant with his hands, which was, of course, a terrible idea, as the fondant broke and fell back on the table in one inelegant heap. “ooops”

“Kid...” sighed Mr. Stark and tried to fix the fondant as much as possible before rolling it onto a rolling pin and carefully maneuvering it onto the cake. “There, now you only have to put on the spiderweb one.”

“Thank you” Spider-man answered softly and then with the help of Tony he put on the white fondant spiderweb on the cake.

The video cut again, and this time it was Tony talking.

“I have one more thing to put on the cake as decoration. Of course, I bought it thinking that we were going to make a normal cake, not this... Hazard... But whatever. Here, kid.” And with that Tony Stark took out a little fondant spider-man out of his apron pocket and gave it to Peter.

Spider-man stared at the miniature him, and then, in a small and chocked-up voice said “thank you so much, Mr. Stark, this means so much to me.”

The video cut once more, and they were back to standing behind the cake, this time they were both without aprons and Mr. Stark was holding a knife.

“Can’t trust the spider-baby with a knife” he said to the camera and then sliced into the cake as spider-man’s objections were heard behind him.

The video cut one last time, and now they were once again sitting at the dinning table, with one giant slice of cake in front of them.

“You only take one bite, and if it tastes wrong, you immediately spit it out, got it?” asked Tony.

“Yes sir” said spider-man and then he got himself a big bite of cake, that looked like a normal yellow cake. He put it into his mouth and chewed for a good thirty seconds. And then: 

“Icawn’tswallowitMrr.Starrwkpwleasehewlpme”

Mr. Stark started to laugh and the video ended there.

˗ ˗ ˗ ˗ ˗ ˗ ˗ ˗ ˗ ˗ ˗ ˗ ˗ ˗ ˗ ˗ ˗ ˗ ˗ ˗ ˗ ˗ ˗ ˗ ˗ ˗ ˗ ˗ ˗ ˗ ˗ ˗ ˗ ˗

The video was posted on Sunday evening and by Monday morning it was trending everywhere. Under a tweet with a link to a video Tony Stark had uploaded a new photo of the “Things spider-man isn’t allowed to do” list. On it were two new points that said that "spider-man isn’t allowed into the kitchen" and another one, that said that “doing something with the excuse of it being for science is forbidden".

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for getting through the whole chapter!!!  
> Feel free to message me on tumblr (@spooderson or @luna-di-hades) or twitter (@hadeously)  
> Also, comments and kudos are greatly appreciated.


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